managing grief and loss
Loss is never easy. The most difficult experiences with our animal friends center around their dying and death. Many questions arise while we are feeling deep sensations of grief and loss. How best to help the animal? When should we do what? How will we know when the time has come? What process will help the animal, as well as ourselves, to support a peaceful end with grace and ease? Communication with the animal can support either the hospice or euthanasia process by including the animal’s perspectives and preferences, making the transition to death a gentle, meaningful process for both of you.
Decisions, decisions
The main considerations in the death and dying process include the animal’s comfort, a humane departure, and giving yourself consideration of what you can live with until the animal departs. Hospice is not for everyone or every animal, illness or injury. It is hard emotional work that takes commitment and courage. Euthanasia can be part of a good hospice or stand alone to alleviate suffering and severe pain.
Not every animal who wants to go on their own wants their person present. Many beloved pets have described to me how difficult it is to die with their person present, because the connection is so strong. Some animals take their process into their own paws/wings by leaving the home on what I call a “spirit quest”, dying on their own terms. My own beloved Max did this twice, he said to spare us the ‘fuss’.
resources and support
Communication with the animal can offer strategies for comfort, as well as signs from the animal itself that it is time to go. “I want to thank you for talking all of us through the last year. Losing my friend, Nathan (Bassett hound), was very difficult, but would have been so much worse if I was not convinced that he and I were on the same page concerning his last wishes. You allowed me to see things from his perspective, and that was a miracle and a blessing!” J.G., Kentucky
Dr. Alice Villalobos, a veterinarian in Hermosa Beach, CA, has developed a Quality of Life scale (Canine and Feline Geriatric Oncology: Honoring the Human-Animal Bond, Blackwell Pub., 2007) which is a guide to evaluate continuation of hospice care. On a scale of 1-10, she offers considerations of pain, appetite, hydration, hygiene, happiness, mobility, and good days vs. bad days. This gives you a helpful reference point from which to make your decisions for end-of-life. See pawspice.com for a Quality of Life scale. (Lap of Love also provides a quality of life scale at www.pethospicejournal.com.)
Among the resources that can support either hospice or euthanasia are flower essences which work energetically to relieve pain, calm, support, and soften the emotional edge for both human and animal. For pain management, homeopathic arnica, Rescue Remedy, and/or acupuncture can safely be used in conjunction with those remedies your veterinarian may provide. Teresa Wagner, animal communicator, has worked with the Flower Essence Society, fesflowers.com, to develop a line of essences which address grief and loss for all involved. Her website, animalsinourhearts.com, also has many articles, cds and classes (actually an entire curriculum) which inform on grief and loss to use as a personal reference point or to engage professionally. Essences that I suggest most often are listed at the end of this article.
anticipatory grief
An important lesson that Max taught me concerned anticipatory grief. I would tell him every day that I loved him and would miss his fur. Finally, he told me, “I’m not gone yet” in a very frank tone. Being in anticipatory grief kept me from really treasuring each minute that we had together. Being in the moment is so important to the dying process, and being truly present with the animal helps communication between you, as well as keeping you calm.
HOSPICE OR EUTHANASIA?
Before you decide on hospice or euthanasia, determine what your own limits are financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. Your animals don’t want YOU to suffer either. In addition, it is important that there are no surprises for either of you. Communication can help with clarity in the process, helping to explain exactly what the animal or person can expect from the process and from each other. With their permission, I have included the hospice experiences of the Bobzien family in Michigan. (link to Bobzien article).
If you and your family decide to provide hospice, it should be a whole family decision. This process can last anywhere from several days to several months. Engage resources for yourself prior to starting hospice: a list of helpers with phone numbers to care for your pet if you have to be away; a veterinarian who will help you understand the process of hospice and euthanasia; an animal communicator; coping resources such as flower essences, meditation and stress reducing exercises; shifts for care; food and rest. Avoid other stressors for the duration if possible.
If you and your family, including the animal, have determined that euthanasia is better for all concerned, similar resources are important. Contact your veterinarian to understand what is involved, including death at home or at the clinic, costs involved, cremation if desired, and time frame. There should be few surprises. When I am engaged to participate, I act as a bridge between the person, veterinarian and family to tell the animal all details of what to expect. Ideally, the family has used animal communication prior to the day of euthanasia, and knows the signs from the animal that “today is the day”. Flower essences, including Rescue Remedy, can be helpful support. Prior to the animal’s transition, there are things you can do to comfort yourself and the family for the final event. My animals all pass at home, either on their own or with help from a veterinarian for euthanasia. I always tell my animals to go when they need to and release my desire to keep them here. Ahead of the passing, we prepare a simple ceremony. If I can, I hold the animal while it is passing and sing to it, acting as a bridge to the other side. We provide the animal’s favorite food if it will eat, music, flowers and poetic reading.
AFTER TRANSITION, WHAT?
After death has come, we set smaller animals to lie in state in a bed of flowers. Usually the other animals have held vigil, say their goodbyes and leave at that time. Earlier, we dug a grave and prepared it to receive the animal. I decorate the graves with crystals and flowers. We have a brief ceremony for burial when we remember the wonderful times and lessons that animal taught us. My cat Lover Boy came to his own funeral and asked, “Are you going to say nice things about me?” He had us laughing all the way to his grave. I keep a memory book with a photo of each beloved animal, one-page descriptions of my best times with them.
For some clients, post-death communication can be quite comforting. After passing, many animals take on assignments which help other animals, while others prefer to rest, especially after a long illness. Some want to return to their people and renew the bond that was so close. Communication can facilitate this return if it is to the highest good of all involved. Penelope Smith’s book, Animals In Spirit, describes this process clearly and is a good reference for this decision. animaltalk.net
HOW CAN I HELP?
There are many roles as helper that you can offer to someone going through the process of losing their beloved pet. Relief periods of caring for the animal are much appreciated, as is food for the people. Transportation assistance is sometimes needed, especially for larger dogs. Listening to their experiences and offering empathy is a valuable resource. Gifts of flower essences may be an important contribution, and, if they are receptive, a gift certificate from Heart to Heart to be able to speak with their animal before or after death. Ultimately, anything you express your love and concern with is valued.
“I lost both my dog and my cat from throat cancer within months of each other. Through animal communication with Judy, it came to be a calm, dignified process that was so beautiful I felt honored to be present with them. Very different from previous deaths when I had no inkling of the animal’s experience and perspective. It changed my whole viewpoint of death. I am not as fearful as I was.” P.M., Michigan
FLOWER ESSENCES FOR GRIEF AND LOSS
FOR THE PERSON:
GRIEF RELIEF FORMULA: a combination remedy that includes Bleeding Heart, Pink Yarrow, California Wild Rose, Love Lies Bleeding, Borage, Forget-Me-Not, and Explorer’s Gentian. These remedies cover all aspects of grief and loss, including anticipatory grief.
BLEEDING HEART: helps us fully feel the spiritual connection of love we will always have with loved ones, even after death. it helps us accept the change in form of a relationship, to let go of and release our attachment to the physical form of our animal loved one.
FORGET-ME-NOT: deepens our awareness of our spiritual connection with those who have physically died and helps us develop telepathic communication with them.
LOVE LIES BLEEDING: helps us with profound feelings of melancholia and anguish, especially when the soul suffers privately and is cut off from others. it also helps us find transpersonal meaning from pain and suffering.
STAR OF BETHLEHEM: helps to calm deep grief.
RESCUE REMEDY or FIVE FLOWER FORMULA, which includes Star of Bethlehem. The two remedies are the same formula, just different names. Five Flower Formula is from FES. Brings calmness and peacefulness.
COMPASSIONATE CAREGIVER, provides support for the caregiver through the process of dying.
PINK YARROW, provides a layer of emotional protection to prevent our loved ones from taking in our energy of anticipatory grief. It helps create a healthy boundary, allowing the dying animal or person to notice and be aware of our pain, but not soak it in.
FOR THE ANIMAL WHO IS PASSING:
RESCUE REMEDY or FIVE FLOWER FORMULA, has ingredients which address pain, anxiety/fear, and grief, and is a wonderful hospice support to keep the animal comfortable.
ANGELICA or ANGEL’S TRUMPET, helps with surrender to death, and supports the ability of the soul to prepare for crossing into the spiritual world, to be conscious, free and even joyful in the transition of death.
HOLLY brings calm and acceptance to the heart, forgiving others, making peace with worldly relationships before death.
FOR EUTHANASIA:
These are from the Alaskan Flower Essence Project. Used to spray a room/area where euthanasia occurs, both before and after, and to call in angelic presence for all involved in euthanasia. When clearing a space, always ask that all energies that no longer serve a purpose be cleared and transmuted, and that only the love remain.
CALLING ALL ANGELS, helps us perceive the love, guidance, and protection of the angelic realm. It brings a very soft, loving, and serene energy into your heart, physical body and environment.
PURIFICATION, cleans and purifies your home as well as your personal energy field. Purifies and recharges the environment where there is stagnant energy.